It was like waking up in the middle of the ocean ... with no idea how I'd gotten there ... and no clue which way to swim. Like finding myself at the bottom of a deep, dark hole - not knowing what I'd done to put myself there - and without any visible way out. It was intense loneliness - and a very real isolation, despite the attempts of friends and family to be there for me. No-one could really understand or share that sphere of pain I found myself in. I was flat. And empty. No strength to even pray. My relationships seemed suspended in my void.
It was eight months before I recognised the warmth of sunshine - and many more months of healing. Years later, I still flinch a little at the prospect of recalling those days - although I'm learning that those memories - and the sting they evoke - are quite faded now.
This is my experience of real pain - pain that tears you from the humdrum fabric of life - and leaves you separated and reeling in a world of your own. While some who know this kind of pain may relate to what I've just shared, there are many others who will have their own perception of that struggle. It is a very personal encounter - and one no-one else can really steer from their own experience.
I am grateful that despite my inability to connect during that time, my God stood by me - like a rock. He never left - even when I had nothing in me to hold onto Him. He taught me to forgive - as much for the healing it brought me, as for the offering it was to someone else. He taught me that He was rock solid. That though the world around me, and the people in it, might crumble away - He would never leave me, nor forsake me. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He lifts my thoughts and behaviours to a beautiful, more positive way of living. I know I would be so little of a person without Him.
I do not know how people positively survive life's devastating blows without this rock to cling to. I know that many don't. And I cannot tell you that faith in God will save you from the hammering life can give. If God could prevent all pain on this earth, His son would not have hung on a cross. But I do know that he is good, and kind, and loving, and trustworthy. And His way of living is better than anything this life offers. He has promised that one day the pain in this life will be over. And I believe Him. If you need hope - read the story of Jesus - and let Him show you how much you are worth, and how much you can trust Him. You will never regret it.
