I understand why hurt people, hurt people. They react rather than process. When they experience something as hurtful, they respond with defensiveness designed to tear the initiator down, so that that person becomes less of a threat to them. The other person, in turn, may respond in kind, leading to the destructive negative spiral we often see in toxic relationships.
In order to stop the spiral, one of those involved needs to be able to mentally step back from the intensity of the perceived hurt and consciously decide not to allow the pain they are experiencing to colour their responding behaviour. They need to not allow that person's hurtful ways to determine their own feelings, but to step away from those feelings as not owned by them. Then, they can be free to not contribute to the negativity, but to recognise the place of hurt the initiator comes from, and possibly even lift that person's attitude and behaviour.
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